Best Ultimate Dark Humor Jokes

1. Death and Mortality

• I have a joke about death, but it’s a bit of a killer.
• Why don’t graveyards have Wi-Fi? Because people are just dying to get in.
• I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support.

2. Relationships and Love

• I told my girlfriend she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
• Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.
• My wife and I have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, and enjoy each other’s company. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
• I asked my wife to let me know the next time she has an orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
• I broke up with my girlfriend because she had a bad habit of stealing my stuff. I guess you could say she was a real klepto-maniac.

3. Work and Career

• I told my boss I needed a raise. He said, “Why?” I said, “Because I’m worth it.” He said, “You’re not worth the paper your paycheck is printed on.”
• I got fired from my job as a banker. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
• I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
• I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
• I told my coworkers I was going to quit my job as a banker. They said, “You can’t just walk away from that!” I said, “Watch me!”

4. Health and Medicine

• I have a fear of elevators, but I’m taking steps to avoid it.
• I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
• I have a friend who’s a hypochondriac. He thinks he’s sick all the time. I told him he should see a doctor. He said, “I can’t afford it. I’m too sick to work!”
• I went to the doctor and told him I think I’m a moth. He said, “You need to see a psychiatrist.” I said, “I know, but I was just following the light.”
• I told my doctor I feel like a pair of curtains. He said, “Pull yourself together!”

5. Family and Parenting

• My kids are like a software update. Whenever I see them, I think, “Not now.”
• I told my son he should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward.
• I asked my daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said, “A doctor.” I said, “You know that means you’ll have to deal with sick people, right?” She said, “Yeah, but I’ll be rich!”
• I told my kids I’d give them a dollar for every time they clean their room. They said, “That’s not fair!” I said, “Neither is life.”
• Parenting is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

6. Miscellaneous

• I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
• I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
• I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
• I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

7. Technology and Society

• I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me ads for vacations.
• I asked Siri why I’m still single. She turned off.
• I told my phone I was feeling down. It suggested I download a dating app.
• I tried to start a dating service for chickens, but it was a total flop. They kept telling me they were just looking for a peck.
• I told my smart fridge I was feeling cold. It suggested I get a blanket.

8. Food and Drink

• I have a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
• I told my friend I was going to start a bakery. He said, “You knead to get your dough in order first.”
• I asked the waiter for a glass of water. He said, “We don’t serve water here.” I said, “Then I’ll have a glass of your finest air.”
• I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
• I told my friend I was on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
• I tried to make a pun about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience.

9. Travel and Adventure

• I told my friend I wanted to travel the world. He said, “You should start with your backyard.”
• I went on a road trip and got lost. I guess you could say I took the scenic route… to nowhere.
• I asked a travel agent for a vacation package. He said, “How about a trip to your couch?”
• I wanted to be a pilot, but I couldn’t get off the ground.
• I told my friend I was going to climb a mountain. He said, “You should start with the stairs.”

10. Education and Learning

• I told my teacher I wanted to be a comedian. She said, “You need to work on your delivery.”
• I asked my professor if I could take a break from studying. He said, “You can’t spell ‘study’ without ‘die.’”
• I told my friend I was going to school to learn how to be a magician. He said, “You’ll never make it.”
• I tried to learn sign language, but I couldn’t get a handle on it.
• I told my classmate I was going to ace the exam. He said, “Good luck with that!”

11. Animals and Nature

• I told my dog he was adopted. He just wagged his tail and said, “I knew it!”
• I asked my cat why she always knocks things off the table. She said, “I’m just testing gravity.”
• I told my friend I wanted to be a veterinarian. He said, “You’ll have to deal with a lot of sick animals.” I said, “That’s the point!”
• I saw a sign that said, “Watch for children.” I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
• I told my friend I wanted to be a zookeeper. He said, “You’ll have to deal with a lot of wild animals.” I said, “I’m used to it!”

12. Philosophy and Life

• I told my friend I was having a midlife crisis. He said, “You’re not even halfway there!”
• I asked my therapist if I was crazy. He said, “You’re not crazy; you’re just unique.”
• I told my friend I was searching for the meaning of life. He said, “Good luck with that!”
• I tried to find myself, but I got lost along the way.
• I told my friend I was going to start a philosophy club. He said, “You’ll just end up arguing about nothing.”

13. Sports and Fitness

• I told my coach I wanted to be a professional athlete. He said, “You need to work on your skills.” I said, “I’m working on my excuses!”
• I asked my friend if he wanted to play basketball. He said, “I can’t; I’m too busy sitting on the bench.”
• I told my trainer I wanted to get in shape. He said, “Round is a shape!”
• I tried to join a gym, but I couldn’t find the motivation to go.
• I told my friend I was going to run a marathon. He said, “You’ll need to start with a 5K.”

14. Holidays and Celebrations

• I told my friend I was going to throw a Halloween party. He said, “You better make it a scream!”
• I asked my family what they wanted for Christmas. They said, “Peace and quiet.” I said, “That’s not happening!”
• I told my friend I was going to celebrate New Year’s Eve alone. He said, “That sounds like a party!”
• I tried to make a birthday cake, but it turned out to be a disaster.
• I told my friend I was going to start a holiday tradition. He said, “You’ll just end up forgetting it!”

15. Classic Dad Jokes

• I told my friend I was going to write a book of jokes. He said, “You’ll need a lot of material!”
• I asked my family if they wanted to hear a joke. They said, “Not again!”
• I told my friend I was going to become a comedian. He said, “You’ll need to work on your timing!”
• I tried to tell a joke, but it fell flat.
• I told my friend I was going to make a career out of humor 77. He said, “You’ll need to find your audience first!”
• I asked my friend if he wanted to hear a joke about construction. He said, “I’m still working on it.”
• I told my friend I was going to start a podcast about jokes. He said, “You’ll need a good sense of humor!”
• I tried to come up with a joke about procrastination, but I’ll do it later.
• I told my friend I was going to open a comedy club. He said, “You’ll need a lot of laughs to fill it!”

16. Classic Dad Jokes

• I told my phone I needed a break, and it suggested I take a vacation.
• I asked my computer why it was so slow. It said, “I’m just processing my feelings.”
• I told my friend I was going to upgrade my phone. He said, “You’ll just end up with more problems!”
• I tried to fix my Wi-Fi, but it just wouldn’t connect.
• I told my tablet I was feeling down. It suggested I download a happiness app.

17. Money and Finance

• I told my bank I wanted to open a savings account. They said, “You’ll need to save first!”
• I asked my friend for a loan. He said, “You’ll need to pay me back with interest!”
• I told my boss I wanted a raise. He said, “You’ll need to work harder for that!”
• I tried to budget my money, but it just keeps disappearing.
• I told my friend I was going to invest in stocks. He said, “You’ll need to do your research first!”

18. Fashion and Style

• I told my friend I was going to start a fashion line. He said, “You’ll need to find your style!”
• I asked my partner if they liked my outfit. They said, “It’s a bold choice!”
• I told my friend I was going to become a fashion influencer. He said, “You’ll need to work on your selfies!”
• I tried to follow fashion trends, but I just ended up confused.
• I told my friend I was going to start a clothing brand. He said, “You’ll need to find your niche!”

19. Relationships and Dating

• I told my friend I was going to try online dating. He said, “Good luck with that!”
• I asked my partner what they wanted for dinner. They said, “Surprise me!” I said, “How about takeout?”
• I told my friend I was going to write a book on relationships. He said, “You’ll need to find a good editor!”
• I tried to plan a romantic date, but it turned into a disaster.
• I told my friend I was going to start a dating advice column. He said, “You’ll need to have some experience!”

20. Nature and Environment

• I told my friend I wanted to go camping. He said, “You’ll need to pack your survival skills!”
• I asked my neighbor if they liked gardening. They said, “I’m just trying to keep my plants alive!”
• I told my friend I was going to start a recycling program. He said, “You’ll need to get the community involved!”
• I tried to plant a tree, but it just wouldn’t grow.
• I told my friend I was going to start a nature blog. He said, “You’ll need to find your voice!”

21. Personal Growth and Development

• I told my friend I was going to start a self-help group. He said, “You’ll need to help yourself first!”
• I asked my therapist for advice. He said, “You need to find your own answers!”
• I told my friend I was going to write a motivational book. He said, “You’ll need to find your inspiration!”
• I tried to meditate, but my mind kept wandering.
• I told my friend I was going to start a personal development course. He said, “You’ll need to commit to it!”

22. Science and Technology

• I told my friend I was going to study physics. He said, “You’ll need to understand the laws of the universe!”
• I asked my teacher about quantum mechanics. He said, “It’s complicated!”
• I told my friend I was going to start a science podcast. He said, “You’ll need to find your audience!”
• I tried to explain gravity, but it just fell flat.
• I told my friend I was going to become a scientist. He said, “You’ll need to do a lot of experiments!”

23. Spicy Jokes

• What’s common between Thailand and hospitals? Both don’t reveal the genders.
• Why do orphans want to rob a bank? They want to rob at least someone.
• Why don’t orphans play baseball? Because they don’t have a home run.
• What’s common between a dick and the COVID vaccine? Munna took both.
• Why do only girls get boobs? Because boys get pressed.
• What’s the most hectic job for boxers and fighters? During the day they hit their pants, and at night they work overtime.
• What’s common between a prostitute and a doctor? Both give jobs.
• What’s common between a motor and prostitutes? Both take out water.
• What’s common between a prostitute and a lift? Both go up and down.
• What’s common between the LGBT community and their terms and conditions? At least their terms and conditions are accepted.
• What’s common between a rabbit and a German shepherd in a race? Of course, the rabbit wins; only white people win.
• What’s common between fat people and thin people in a fight? Fat people fight more because they have more fat.
• What’s common between a cancer patient and a boy? Some jokes never get old, just like the boy with cancer.
• Why do Muslims cry more after a breakup? Because their nose gets cut the second time.
• What’s the best time of the month to have sex? Just one or two days before the body degrades.
• What did a lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire? “See you next month!”
• What’s common between prostitutes and Chandigarh police? Both meet at the red light.
• What’s common between a dog and a cat? The dog barks, and the cat meows, but they both want to be fed.
• Why do black people have good bodies? Because they work hard for it.
• What’s common between a motor and a prostitute? Both take out water.